The past few days have been really hard. My emotions have been yo yoing out of control! One minute I can be fine and happy and thinking of the wedding.... The next I will be down, depressed and hating everything!! I'm just so confused!!

I'm scared of losing him. He knows pretty much everything.... Like about the eating disorder (e.d) and the self harm (s.h) and mood swings, all the sucky stuff. He says he still loves me and he won't leave me but that's what they all say! I don't want to tar him with the same brush but it's so hard. He left last time so why is this time going to be any different? God knows I want it to be!! I don't know what I would do without him. Actually, I do....

Over the past few says the e.d has been getting worse. Been couting cals & fat again, been working out till I can't move due to lack of energy, not sleeping because I'd rather be awake and moving so I can burn fat, all the usual stuff. Also, a friend told me he's on a fast. This friend happens to be a qualified doctor.... So if it's okay for a dr to go on a 3 week fast, then why can't I?! I don't care what anyone says, I'm doing it. I've been cutting down over the past week as to make it easier to fast. Officaly starts tomorrow.

He's been doing it for just over a week now and has lost a stone already! Oh, I just wanna point out he doesn't have an e.d. He has m.e and has found out that fasting can sometimes help illnesses, I'm not too sure how it works but just thought I would say. But like, Oh my god!! A stone in a week!! I want that!! I would be so so so so happy if that was the same for me. I know it will slow down as the weeks progress but it could be up to a 2 maybe 3 stone loss in less than a month! WOW!! I only want to lose 4 or 5 stone so I'd be so much closer to my goal than I am now. In less than a month, I can't stop thinking about it now. Not that you can tell!!

I've been kinda bad today too. I've been on my myspace, as in the one only for the e.d and I've also been on youtube looking at pro ana/mia videos. Hence the major relapse! The Dr (don't wanna say his name) really hasn't helped. Well, to me, I think he has. To those who know me and know about the e.d then they will think he hasn't. He knows about the e.d too and I'm really surprised he told me about it at all incase it worked as a trigger and set me off again. Oh well, I'm glad he did. I just won't tell him I'm fasting too!!

I had a workout session with one of my friends today. She's a dance teacher and is so amazingly beautiful it's unbelieveable!! I want to look like her. Typical American, blonde, hot body, just wow!! She has like the perfect body and perfect husband and perfect life. She is just perfection. I tell her this all the time but she doesn't see it!! Lame!! Anyway, I'm kinda pissed with her at the moment. We were half way through the workout and one of our friends called her. He'd found another of my blogs (now closed down!) and found out the e.d is back. As soon as he told miss perfection she stopped the workout!! I was so not happy!! I was really enjoying it although I felt like I was going to die!!

I know they say they are worried about me and want me to get well but I don't see myself as being sick. I'm fine. Okay, when I say I'm fine it's always a lie but I am. Honestly. I'll be even better when I'm thinner though. And people should want me to be happy!! I will be happy when I am thinner!! I won't take it too far either, I know this.

Okay, hold up! I just want to point something else out too. I am NOT pro ana/mia!!!! I don't encourage people to do it. I don't want people to read any of my blogs and think it's a good idea!! It messes up lives and kills people, I've been ranted at enough to know this. It's not easy to stop, I've tried countless times and failed. So please please please don't think it's a quick fix crash diet kinda thing because it's really not. It's not a choice, it may start off as one for some people but then it takes over your whole life!!

I'll think I'll shush now. I will update you on how the fast is going soon.

Comments please!

Why did you have to leave me?? I told you every day how happy I was to have you and how happy you made me. I had a whole future planned out for the two of us. I made sure I did everything right.... Yet you still left.

It seemed like you were with me for ages but you were only here for a very short time. I'd talk to you everyday and tell you how perfect everything was going to be and how loved you already were. I would have given you all I had and more.

I'd do anything to have you here with me. You were my whole world. I was determined to make everything perfect. Just the two of us, we didn't need anyone else. They didn't deserve you anyway. You were far too special for them. They didn't care as much as I did and they couldn't have loved you as much as I did.

It's been nine months, to the day, since you left me. 9 months since my world was torn apart. It's as if there is a piece of me missing, a piece of my heart has been taken.

I still see things that remind me of you.... I still have your things lying around my apartment and I refuse to get rid of them. I will never forget you and you shall never be replaced.

I just don't understand what I did wrong? What did I ever do to deserve this? It's just not fair!! I love you so damn much!! I'd do anything to have you here in my arms right now. Anything to make it all better again.

But, I can't.

In a comment left on my previous and first entry it was pointed out that I did not mention my likes, interests, loves.... After re-reading I see that it was correct, I only pointed out my faults and dislikes. So, this entry is to introduce the slightly more happy side to myself, who does show her head sometimes.

I have a huge passion for writing. I myself write poetry and have published two books with around 50 of my poems in each. They are available to buy online, if you would like details please ask. I write about anything and evertyhing. Things that are important to me, things that have an impact, either good or bad on my life. Sometimes just simple things that I may encounter in my day to day life. I dream to one day become as famous as the best (each to their own).

I also enjoy reading. I very much love Anne Rice, Jackie Collins, Terry Pratchett, Edgar Alan Poe. I also enjoy reading short stories, mainly horror and ghost stories.

I also have a passion for photography. I adore taking photos. I will seize the opportunity to snap anything and everything I see. I love taking photos of my friends and family. For you never know quite how long you will have with them. I would very much like to start a photography business of my own, I'm not quite sure in what field.

There are very few days where I go without listening to music. I have a very varied taste. I listen to almost anything, such as, Chipan & Mozart, Lucie Silvas & Keith Urban, Evanescence & Manson, The Temptations & Tracy Chapman.... Dance music, ect etc....

Another love in my life is animals. I love animals but unlike some I do not love them to death!! I'm vegetarian and I cannot understand how people can kill animals for food. Just because our ancestors did it, surely people have bigger brains now and know that it is wrong to kill another living creature. We do not need to eat meat in order to survive.
It's proven that vegetarians live longer than meat eaters. http://www.healingcancernaturally.com/vegetarians-live-longer.html is just one of the studies that prove it.

Animals feel just as much as humans. If I was to dip you into scalding water, would it hurt? If I was to cram you into a cage where you couldn't even stretch one arm out, after a while, would it hurt? If I was to tie you up by your legs and slit your throat, would it hurt? The answer is obviously yes to all 3 questions, so what is the difference between doing it to a human and doing it to a chicken?? It still feels the same pains we would. There is no difference, it is just as wrong.

Animals are loving creatures and deserve just as much as we do. They deserve to be loved, to have food, to have warmth and shelter. They do not deserve to be killed in such an inhumane way just because some fat little kid wants a burger/chicken nuggets.

Another thing that really saddens me, is animal testing. Animals may have the same organs and breath the same air but they do not react the same to things are humans do. Therefore why are the top companies spraying hairspray into rabbits eyes? Why are they making monkeys and dogs inhale cigarette smoke? Why are they testing the effects of drugs on mice and rats? Why are they putting make up onto animals?? I don't think rabbits will use hairspray. I don't think monkeys and dogs smoke? I've never seen a mouse or rat taking aspirin because of a headache and I've certainly never seen any animals wearing lipstick or mascara!!

Just because an animals dies or has some horrific injury due to a product that does not mean it will have the same effect on you or me!!!! So why try it!!!! It's like they're sick because they never go to kill ants with a magnifying glass when they were little and therefore have to do all they can to hurt animals now!!!!

Just to let you know, I'm not trying to preach and push it onto anyone. I don't want to force people into turn veggie. I hate people that try and push eating meat onto me so I would never try and "turn" anyone. I think I have ranted on long enough about that, for now.

One thing I can't seem to live wtihout in my life is love....  The feeling of being wanted & needed, after all it does make the world go round, does it not? I rarely ever find myself single. Although this is not always a good thing. I will not regress back into the bad side of my life. Although, I find myself more than happy with my current situation. I do not plan on changing it anytime soon and if I am to go by what he says, then neither is he. I'm sure you will hear quite alot more about him in the next few entries. All good I hope.

Background for those who don't know. I'm 19, I've lived on my own for the past year, with my Cat, 2 rats and 2 chinchillas. I have very little of a social life. I have few friends, who could be classed a fair weather friends. I hardly see any of them anymore. I lost most of them due to a breakup. I'm not bothered about the break up or the loss of friends. I have found I'm much better off without out them. I only see about 2 of my "fair weather friends". One comes over when they feel like it, spends most of the time using my net and then leaves. The other comes over for a chat and then leaves. That would be it. I do have other friends but I hardly (if ever) see them for one reason or another. For example, they're "online friends" who I haven't met, "online friends" who I see from time to time, or they are either away at uni or just too busy to make time for me.

I'm a college drop out. I have been 4 times and completed one course. That being my GCSE's. I have many goals in life but they always seem to come to a dead end for one reason or another. I'm a semi published author. In other words, self published and my books are available to buy online from lulu.com if you search my name (shameless plug!!). At the moment I'm trying to break into the world of photography. Without going to college. Because as we have already covered, I don't do college. All I really need to do is get off my ass and build my portfolio, that would be a start. I already do the photography for my dad's limo company and I could possibly already have two weddings to photography in the next year.

I'm currently no working. I was working in a bar but I took some time off sick and they thought I had left. This was January and I've still not been paid for my weeks work. At the moment that is a major problem because my bank has decided to screw me over. I had an over draft of £750, was told it was about to go down, called three times, they said I could have it for another 6 months, few days later it goes down to £150 leaving me with no money (no job) and my bills are not being paid, fun fun fun!!

I'm almost always sick. I've had countless parts of me taken out by doctors (appendix, overy and tube), countless operations, I wear lenses and I'm soon to don a hearing aid. Not too happy about that as I'm only 19 but that's a rant for another day!! I have a birthmark on the side of my left left, going from the sole of my foot up to my ass. I had 7 years worth of lazor treatment to remove it, it's faded but still very much there. I'm vegetarian and also have an eating disorder. I'm not the usual skinny little thing that most people would think of as having an eating disorder. I'm like a size 16 on a good day!! Due to the problems with food I'm lacking in almost everything you need to stay healthy, hence why I am always ill. The e.d (eating disorder) is by no means a choice so please do not start having a go at me for it unless you actually understand it. I was in recovery for it but over the past 2 weeks or so I have regressed, yet again. I've been in hospital 3 times due to overdose. I selfharm although I haven't properlly in about a year now, I'm trying to stop it totally. I'm also on anitdepressants. Surpirse surprise.

I have had many a failed relationship and many a broken heart. I would say I have only been in love once but I would say I am over him again. Until he comes back into my life again and I seem to fall for him yet again. You'll see this over the coming months as I write more and more. I have had a miscarriage, I was 12 weeks pregnant (planned) and on the day of my scan I started bleeding whilst at the hospital. 2 days later at 2am I was rushed into the hospital again and they took it all away. Not even telling me what was going on, I was that drugged up I thought it would all go away and the baby would be fine. Hopeful or just deluded?!

I lost my best friend, Lucy, to suicide on the 3rd Aug 2004, when I was 16 and she was 17. All because of a boy. She had been with him since she was 10 and they were very much in love. She also was pregnant but didn't know it. None of us did until it was too late. We had made a promise a few years previous to this that if one of us was going to go we both would. At the time I was so damn pissed with her that she went without me. It is only now that I see that through he love for me she wanted me to carry on and not end it like she did.

I also lost my 4 year old cousin, Adam, last January. He was sick since he was born. He was probably deaf and almost totally blind. He suffered from fits. Had a tube in his tummy for his feed. Had to have constant care from his parents and his careers. He was in and out of hospital more than me! I think he did it just for the attention, he loved the nurses as much as they loved him. He had to have oxygen alot of the time to help him with his breathing. I know he is better off where he is now but I would still like him to be here with us as long as he wasn't suffering. I miss my little star.

My parents split when I was 15. My dad moved back up north where most of my family is. I'm lucky if I get to see them 3 times a year. My Mam and step dad live in MK with my little brother (16) so I see them when I can. I have very little family in MK. Apart from Mam, Stepdad, Brother I have my Nana, Grandad, Uncle, Aunt and Cousin (9). All the rest live up north where my dad is. It's great when I'm there but when I'm not it's like they forget about me. Depressing as that sounds it's true.

Am currently single but with all those problems that wouldn't surprise anyone, right? My love life plays a big part in my lfe. I hate to be single and hardly ever am. The thing is I tend to be with people who aren't good for me. They either mess me around, ruin my life, cheat on me, leave me, hit me, the usual kinda thing really....

Anyway, I think I have given you enough info to be getting along with now. Any questions, feel free to ask!! lol No doubt I'll be writing again real soon. I don't tend to write often but when I do they are kinda lengthly, as you can see.

Ciao for now!

EmJay