Background for those who don't know. I'm 19, I've lived on my own for the past year, with my Cat, 2 rats and 2 chinchillas. I have very little of a social life. I have few friends, who could be classed a fair weather friends. I hardly see any of them anymore. I lost most of them due to a breakup. I'm not bothered about the break up or the loss of friends. I have found I'm much better off without out them. I only see about 2 of my "fair weather friends". One comes over when they feel like it, spends most of the time using my net and then leaves. The other comes over for a chat and then leaves. That would be it. I do have other friends but I hardly (if ever) see them for one reason or another. For example, they're "online friends" who I haven't met, "online friends" who I see from time to time, or they are either away at uni or just too busy to make time for me.

I'm a college drop out. I have been 4 times and completed one course. That being my GCSE's. I have many goals in life but they always seem to come to a dead end for one reason or another. I'm a semi published author. In other words, self published and my books are available to buy online from lulu.com if you search my name (shameless plug!!). At the moment I'm trying to break into the world of photography. Without going to college. Because as we have already covered, I don't do college. All I really need to do is get off my ass and build my portfolio, that would be a start. I already do the photography for my dad's limo company and I could possibly already have two weddings to photography in the next year.

I'm currently no working. I was working in a bar but I took some time off sick and they thought I had left. This was January and I've still not been paid for my weeks work. At the moment that is a major problem because my bank has decided to screw me over. I had an over draft of £750, was told it was about to go down, called three times, they said I could have it for another 6 months, few days later it goes down to £150 leaving me with no money (no job) and my bills are not being paid, fun fun fun!!

I'm almost always sick. I've had countless parts of me taken out by doctors (appendix, overy and tube), countless operations, I wear lenses and I'm soon to don a hearing aid. Not too happy about that as I'm only 19 but that's a rant for another day!! I have a birthmark on the side of my left left, going from the sole of my foot up to my ass. I had 7 years worth of lazor treatment to remove it, it's faded but still very much there. I'm vegetarian and also have an eating disorder. I'm not the usual skinny little thing that most people would think of as having an eating disorder. I'm like a size 16 on a good day!! Due to the problems with food I'm lacking in almost everything you need to stay healthy, hence why I am always ill. The e.d (eating disorder) is by no means a choice so please do not start having a go at me for it unless you actually understand it. I was in recovery for it but over the past 2 weeks or so I have regressed, yet again. I've been in hospital 3 times due to overdose. I selfharm although I haven't properlly in about a year now, I'm trying to stop it totally. I'm also on anitdepressants. Surpirse surprise.

I have had many a failed relationship and many a broken heart. I would say I have only been in love once but I would say I am over him again. Until he comes back into my life again and I seem to fall for him yet again. You'll see this over the coming months as I write more and more. I have had a miscarriage, I was 12 weeks pregnant (planned) and on the day of my scan I started bleeding whilst at the hospital. 2 days later at 2am I was rushed into the hospital again and they took it all away. Not even telling me what was going on, I was that drugged up I thought it would all go away and the baby would be fine. Hopeful or just deluded?!

I lost my best friend, Lucy, to suicide on the 3rd Aug 2004, when I was 16 and she was 17. All because of a boy. She had been with him since she was 10 and they were very much in love. She also was pregnant but didn't know it. None of us did until it was too late. We had made a promise a few years previous to this that if one of us was going to go we both would. At the time I was so damn pissed with her that she went without me. It is only now that I see that through he love for me she wanted me to carry on and not end it like she did.

I also lost my 4 year old cousin, Adam, last January. He was sick since he was born. He was probably deaf and almost totally blind. He suffered from fits. Had a tube in his tummy for his feed. Had to have constant care from his parents and his careers. He was in and out of hospital more than me! I think he did it just for the attention, he loved the nurses as much as they loved him. He had to have oxygen alot of the time to help him with his breathing. I know he is better off where he is now but I would still like him to be here with us as long as he wasn't suffering. I miss my little star.

My parents split when I was 15. My dad moved back up north where most of my family is. I'm lucky if I get to see them 3 times a year. My Mam and step dad live in MK with my little brother (16) so I see them when I can. I have very little family in MK. Apart from Mam, Stepdad, Brother I have my Nana, Grandad, Uncle, Aunt and Cousin (9). All the rest live up north where my dad is. It's great when I'm there but when I'm not it's like they forget about me. Depressing as that sounds it's true.

Am currently single but with all those problems that wouldn't surprise anyone, right? My love life plays a big part in my lfe. I hate to be single and hardly ever am. The thing is I tend to be with people who aren't good for me. They either mess me around, ruin my life, cheat on me, leave me, hit me, the usual kinda thing really....

Anyway, I think I have given you enough info to be getting along with now. Any questions, feel free to ask!! lol No doubt I'll be writing again real soon. I don't tend to write often but when I do they are kinda lengthly, as you can see.

Ciao for now!

EmJay